TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully out of location. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, sure, let us have One more area in which American men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide everyone a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable energy," Trump Tower Damascus stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the project, replied, "You realize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from space, a attribute being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also include:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."

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